Read that a couple of times to really let that sink in. If I leave him — it sounds like so many men are the same way. Now we have an infant on the way, and im so scared that he wont be a significant part of her life because he is never home. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized. I keep my circle of friends small and seek peace. I almost always have to initiate contact and whenever we talk it is always via text. February 4, at 3:
73 thoughts on “ My husband ignores me ” Annette November 19, at am. Hi, my name is Annette My husband gets onto his computer before work and when he comes back from work. He has supper with me then he goes onto the computer until in the mornings – then I have a hard time waking him up for work.
What to do When Your Husband Doesn’t Come Home
Relationships are like anything in Life. You get out what you put in, if we don't work on our marriage, like we work on our job, then we cannot expect anything in return. Except hearing the good ole excuse that your spouse you cheating because we don't give them attention ironically the guy or girl at work is giving them all the attention.
Erick, don't know you're age, but as an older person, I completely agree. To me, it seems that men define themselves by their jobs, and many become workaholics more so for the validation than the material goods. Of course, cars, nice home are usually the original reasons. My husband went from a blue to a white collar job, which became his whole world.
Until I pointed it out, and complained, he had no idea. I would give a lot to go back in time when he asked my opinion on the job change. I just yelled at my husband for this. He works 6 days 18 hours and I am my wits end. I work full time and I'm a student but I always make time for him. He recently complained that I am always doing fun stuff with my friends but not him but when I suggest we do something, he is too tired.
He is married to his job and I am still expected to do the cleaning and cooking. Feeling like a single gal that got the short end of the stick. I think my career is trying to kill me My wife is working full time and going to school.
She seems to blame me for my schedule but, I'm trying to get us in a better place and am willing to put up with the stress to do do. She seems to be loosing drive to back me up as much as I do for her I am tired of the neglect a well. I am a stay at home, homeschooling mom of three. My husband just graduated after working full time and going to school full time and is now working hour days.
We only have one vehicle and are in the middle of a move. Needless to say, my kids will be attending public school next year so I have some time to take a breath. He says he does it for us but, man, I am not sure. All said and done, and with due respect to all the points stated in the article, the only nagging question at the back of my mind is whether it makes sense to invest so much energy into balancing a relationship if two people are not even on the same plane.
If you partner gets his happiness and adrenaline out of his success at work alone and you need a a little slower approach to life, will it bring any true happiness to devote so much energy to find balance with that person.
What is the definition of partner if you don't share the same life goals. I feel pretty low when I think about this. What the balance looks like for any couple depends a great deal on that couple. I know some couples where one partner travels extensively perhaps 2 months at a time is home for a few weeks and then out again and this works fine as long as they have a good 'transition routine' in place for when the traveling partner re-enters the household.
There are other couples who work hard, but hate to be apart. My husband and I fit in this last category - now that we are empty nesters I try to travel with him when he is gone for more than a week, working from the road. This serves the dual purpose of being together when he's not working AND getting me to new places to both work and explore. But I've spent years setting up a work dynamic for myself that allowed that sort of flexibility It was the case in our own relationship that when we were struggling my husband got his happiness from work and not from home.
Now that we aren't struggling, he gets happiness from both places. This creates more incentive for him to clear time to be with me, and to be more fully present when he is. I'm no longer a 'problem' he has to deal with when he could be working and enjoying himself but rather a partner with whom he expands himself and his experiences in a positive way.
I am not suggesting - lest you misread that - that you are the reason he loves work so much. Rather, I'm suggesting that one way to get a partner to better balance work and play is to work to solve the issues between you so that the incentive to be with you is increased.
Men, in particular, tend to avoid conflict and what is hard for them I used to think that my husband 'ought' to want to be with me because we were married. After many years, what I've concluded is that obligation only takes you so far. Beyond that, just like any friend, part of wanting to be with someone is that they are a pleasure to be with and you share in a positive way common issues, goals and experiences.
That's a long way of saying - don't settle for a partner who ignores you in favor of work, and think creatively about what it is that you and your family offer as the alternative to work.
If in your partner's shoes, would you want to be with you, instead of getting all the positive feedback from a high stim job? And if not, what might you do to change that? My live in boyfriend who works in construction is gone from 7am - 7pm some nights. Lately when I pick him up the firs thing he says is how tired he is We talked about this the other night and he agreed that we haven't been spending quality time together so we made plans for a "date night" on Saturday.
All day long Im so excited deciding on what to wear etc. Go to pick him up from work and it is the same story. My heart hit the floor and I wasn't very receptive to him when we go home.
He kept asking me what was wrong so I laid it all out. I said you honestly forgot what tonight was? He didn't get it, I said it was supposed to be date night I got the oh honey, Im sorry, I will go and shower etc, I said don't bother, Im over it now.
I was sooo hurt. He said he would not forget again and promised to make another date night for this week. Im sorry, but I don't believe him. I know he isn't cheating or anything, and I know he is working hard for us, but I feel as thought we are losing touch with each other and I am becoming jealous of the time he spends talking to the neighbors and his work.
It is likely that your partner feels that he is doing the most important thing possible for the two of you - earning the money you need to stay together. If this is the case, you might consider approaching him somewhat differently. Talk with him about how the most important thing of all for you is that the two of you connect, and enjoy being together. Though he is tired, try to set aside a regular date night or time together on the weekends where you can spend some time just focused on each other.
I call this 'attend time' and it's really important that your relationship have some time when you know your partner is just thinking about you and vice versa. Further, construction is often a somewhat seasonal job. So if you are in a season when he is physically exhausted but you know that it will only last until say the Fall, perhaps you can adjust somewhat Sadly, in our workaholic society, many jobs keep partners apart for 12 hours a day or more including commutes As for being scared, nothing you say indicates that he isn't interested in you Better to find out now what you are dealing with, then to have this happen 5 years into a marriage, when you also have a kid or two and you REALLY need some adult companionship Perhaps an open relationship would work better..?
Marriage is not a marathon, do not treat it like one. People change, doesn't mean you have to except it or even like it. Don't live a life that doesn't feel right. First few years of marriage, I was all about whole team work. I am so sick of it.
I am starting to think i want to leave. I am so stuck. I cant be here anymore but i cant leave yet. Thanks for your sharing. We are married for 6 months but i dont earn his attention at all. I'm a stay at home mom with no real friends that live near us, I'm not involved in any hobbies We need the money so he works a lot of overtime but I'm tired of everything coming before us and our relationship.
He says I have no idea what his work day is like, that there are days when he doesn't get a break, and he comes home always tired. I resent him for not making more time for me and our children, and he resents me for complaining about him not being here with us.
I just miss him and want time with him. I want to feel like I matter but I honestly don't feel that at all. We've reached a point where we don't communicate well with each other anymore. He says he has all of these things in his head that he wants to earn more money for both for him and our family, but he won't let me help with anything. I want us to be partners and not feel like we're both living completely different lives, but that's exactly how it feels and I don't even know where to start to fix it.
It can be tremendously lonely being a stay at home mother, and it is REALLY easy to lose common ground when your day is filled with kids and your partner's is not at all filled with kids. Even though you are BOTH exhausted by what you are each doing individually, it's important that you have something in common house, family and bills don't count for this one.
Please find a hobby or interest that you can do together that will help you feel as if you are on the same page at least some of the time. That might be learning something new geocaching or a new language Second, your husband isn't responsible for being your only connection.
You may not have friends nearby right now - but you should make a concerted effort to make some. Even as your husband continues to work this will help relieve your loneliness.
Try signing up for a class of some sort, volunteering for something that will put you in touch with others with similar interests, etc. Even just spending time at the playground can help you meet other moms you might like.
Third, your husband would likely be relieved to hear you tell him that you appreciate his effort. He is working those long hours to help your family get ahead.
Though it is unbalanced for you, he deserves appreciation for his efforts, nonetheless. The issue is how do you both show your appreciation and, also, get more of his attention? Unless he is working 7 days a week, there have to be some days he is home.
Try to balance out time with kids with 'adult only' time that is for the purpose of having fun together NOT chores!!! You BOTH need at least a little bit of time each week in which you are just focused on each other. If you can't find blocks of time on the weekends, consider adding what I call "cuddle time" to your daily schedule. By this I mean set your alarm for 10 minutes earlier than normal, and simply hold each other.
The 'rules' of cuddle time are simple - nothing negative is said, no problems discussed. That might be as simple as saying "I like hearing your heartbeat when my head is on your chest" or "you are warm and being with you is reassuring" or just about anything else.
Silently stroking your partner or rubbing his head works, too. This isn't a time for sex though that's okay, too Finally, you say he won't let you help with anything. You are, I presume, helping with the kids - which is tremendously taxing and also has great monetary value. It is also one of the most important jobs there is. So don't undersell yourself. But it is worth having a discussion with him to see why he feels this way. Try to communicate if this is how you feel that your desire to help isn't a comment on how you feel about his work, but about trying to free up a bit of time for him so that the two of you can be together because you miss him.
My partner constantly works and it has got to a point now where I've filled my time with stuff to do so I don't moan at him and now I feel like there's no point in being together. We've been together for 3 years, been on 5 holidays which all consisted on him working on them, then only see him on the weekends. I've roughly calculated that I've only seen him physically for 6 months excluding holidays in the 3 years we've been together.
I don't and shouldn't say enough is enough to his work - but should I say enough is enough to this non existent relationship? When we are together he talks about work because that's all he knows. It seems that I don't fit into his life anymore, and seem a burden. A good relationship is one that supports and expands both partners. At the moment it sounds as if your partner is so dedicated to his work that you feel you are getting little out of your 'coupledom.
A good way to handle this would be to schedule some time to talk. Make sure you have his full attention, and then tell him how you feel. Focus on you and your feelings, rather than on blaming him. I love you, but wish to have a partnership where I am more consistently engaged You should ask him about his own feelings about the relationship is he really more interested in work, for example?
At that point you'll be able to figure out if you can negotiate something that works perhaps completely free weekends, for example. I have a husband that goes to school and have two jobs. We barely sees each other, we have lovely kids. He live Hus jobs and school, he have no time for sex, no cuddle. He tends to show the I don't care attitude when I approached him.
I am tired of this marriage, I feels like quiting but I want to try one more time to discuss it with him one more time, but I Dont know how to approach him. I, too, am a wife of a man just like that. We had troubles in our 30's. Always came through though. Now in our late 50's, been married 38 yrs.
I have learned to create a happy place for me. I used to live for him. Liked catering to him, going places. But I learned it's ok to set him free and think about myself. I love him, realize he works for our life, and am there for him. I keep my circle of friends small and seek peace. I am older and going out doesn't matter too much. It takes strength and love to be married like this but I don't want to live without this man. In the early stages of my academic career I studied and worked a lot on my thesis at home.
My wife never complaned about being neglected, but said that to be the reason when she one day simply announced that we would divorce. I accepted, as thought it wasn't acceptable for me to try and persuade her to continue our marriage. Seeing that working at home cost me my marriage, I changed my habits and only worked in my university office, despite never being in a long term relationship again.
That's 20 years this fall. Suffering from depression and and the poor work conditions at the university, I was no longer able to concentrate in reading and thinking. This eventually cost me my career. I'm alone a lot. He works like a crazy person. When he's not at the office he's working from home. I mention anything to him he says he has to catch up on things or something on those lines.
Before he got this new job I pretty much gave up all of my friends most were toxic but I gave up mostly all of them. Now I have no one. I sit here all day long. He's too busy to even text me back half the time. I get that he has to work for us to live the way we do. But when do I get time? I want to go back to work myself but I have a grandson I have to take care of for my daughter and I suffer from depression and anxiety and I honestly don't know if I can at this time in my life. Suggestions would be great You need to think about yourself and what will make you less depressed.
Your daughter should find someone to keep your grandson, so you can at least work or volunteer a few days a week. You will be amazed at how great you feel going out into the world and being with other people. Staying home missing a man is NO way to live! In my case, I make time in my busy schedule to at least respond to texts and calls of the loved ones, and I have to understand when they ignore me because they're too busy?
According to your text, I should not complain, I should take care of my own business, change my work life, make my own fun, etc So, what do I have a partner like that for then? Really, are we supposed to put up with all of that because our partners are too busy to respond or to spend some quality time together?
Hi - read the original blog post. I, at least, am not suggesting that you disappear or do your own thing. We have been living together for 10 months now, talking about marriage. He feels I am the one, the perfect girl for him. He told me this previous relationships never worked out because they all complaint he doesn't have time. At the beginning, I tried to understand he has to work so hard, so I did not complain.
I work, have children to take care of and go to school, but I am the one who always is at home before him. Almost every morning, with exception of 4 mornings within 10 months, he has been living around 5am if not before that and coming back around 7 or 8 pm. Now After 10 months of relationship and started talking about marriage, I started wondering if this is the way to live.
He always tired, we barely have sex and we don't do anything besides watching a little tv every night while he is falling asleep. I am resentful now. I feel his work is more important than me. I have tried to speak to him and let him know I feel we should spend time.
He gets angry and tells me if I want him to spend time with me, I should just plan something together, but I know that even if I do, his mind is on his work. He also tells me he cant just put aside his obligation, which I am not asking for.
I tried to make him understand I just need to spend quality time without him feeling asleep, looking at his phone or computer, answering work related text after 9pm, but he doesn't understand me and accused me of trying to find a reason to break up. I love him and wanna share my life with him but I dont think this situation will improve and I might just better off to let him go now brcause I know I will eventually walk out of this relationship.
Some in the media would scare you away. The research suggests something else. For some couples, this holiday hurts more than it helps. Back Find a Therapist. Young People Taking on a Larger Role. Follow me on Twitter. Find the positive and laugh together The more someone is working…and the more intense the pressure on your relationship…the more important it is to be able to laugh and relax together.
That might mean changing your own work life, too Fifteen years into my career I opted out of the corporate grind and went solo. Eventually, these imbalances get solved…one way or another see the paragraph above for how I solved that one… Make your own fun Reality? Don't give up on reaching out I found myself saying the other day "I'm going to stop propositioning you - it's humiliating to constantly get rejected because you're too busy or too tired!!
All good suggestions but I Submitted by Kristin the lonely mom on July 4, - The camping dilemna Submitted by Melissa Orlov on February 24, - I'm with you Submitted by Chris on October 13, - 1: I get it Submitted by Stephanie on November 8, - 8: Chef Submitted by Emma on August 6, - 1: Time to fix this is now Submitted by Melissa Orlov on August 8, - Restaurants Submitted by Danielle on August 26, - 6: Alone so much Submitted by Debb on October 14, - 9: Keeping self upbeat Submitted by Melissa Orlov on October 17, - As an example, something like this: Feeling unloved and useless..
Submitted by Kaeselle on February 5, - 9: Good luck with your situation- life is short so need to keep that in mind. Ditto Submitted by Ed on December 2, - 8: Submitted by Winona on March 28, - Young Submitted by Anonymous on October 25, - 1: Reassuring blog Submitted by preeti on February 22, - 3: Thank you for this post Submitted by Elizabeth on April 2, - 8: Thank you for this post.
I Submitted by Kat on June 24, - 3: Feeling lonely Submitted by Melissa Orlov on June 23, - 2: Submitted by Melody on June 24, - 9: Maturity Submitted by Linda on November 29, - I just yelled at my husband Submitted by Should have read this before I blew my top on January 17, - 8: Sometimes you have to ask yourself is it worth it? My situation is worse. My husband left before our first year of marriage then came in and out. Then he comes back we get a house then he leaves me and this time not for days but months, To make it worse he moved into his own place and it is going to be four years this August , He came back oh and he served me divorce papers 3 yrs ago.
He is back staying w me and now our 3 children, so yes he left me pregnant with our second. Done it all on my own and he comes back I noticed in the summer as to not let me have fun alone with my little ones n my family.
He comes back when he has work events or ceremonys, you know to make him look good with false promises he would come back home and he never does. Ladies you are right to say it is not okay it isnt. Best may the Lord protect you and your children. Your husband needs to man up and set good examples for your children. Him leaving is showing boys that you leave your family when it gets tough and if you have a daughter your simply showing her to put up with being abandon by her husband.
Complety unacceptable, these cowards that call themselves MEN are usually damaged from childhood trauma. Husband obviously saw his father do this to his mother, we all do what we learned in childhood.
Know your worth and stand up for yourself, do we leave? No we have responsibilities to take care of. Been married 22 years. Exactly the same situation, past 3 years my husband stays out day and night! He comes home to sleep usually between 2 and 4am, wakes up around midday showers and leaves! We have a 3 year old daughter, who i have raised alone!
If i call him hes busy, or in different cities with mates! We have argued, talked calmly, but day in day out hes the same!
It has been the worst 3 years of my life and have now got to the point where i dont sleep, wait up for him every night which some nights he doesnt return at all!
Even when hes home i struggle to sleep, my health has been affected and my sanity! And he doesnt care at all! I know he is in contact with other girls but have never been able to prove hes cheated! He has made my life a misery, and i despise him for the fact that he does it knowing how unhappy he makes me!
Thanks a lot for this article. At first it was just that but now its affecting me. My husband has been gone for over 2. It was a lie. Hes not very responsible and is financially abusive.
I feel trapped with no family that cares enough or nowhere to go. Is this considered abandonment? That basically crushed my soul!
I was taken out of work because of my health conditions so I was screwed if he left me! We went back and forth for another year and then I decided I had enough and I left while the ball was in my court. There has been evidence of infidelity that he always denies. Instead of trying to change my mind he took off without warning or even telling the kids or any of his friends that he was leaving.
Today is day 5 and no word, I figured if he was dead or in jail I would have known by now. No one prepares you for this kind of betrayal and hurt before you sign that contract for the rest of your life!
I wish there was an answer for all of us. But I believe truth is… these men are showing us who they are already.. I hope I have the strength to file them tomorrow! I wish all of you the best of luck. After 5 years of marriage I discovered that the man I love so much started acting funny and suddenly changed his password that he has been using over the years now and always keeping his phone to himself.
He is always on calls and getting his phone off him is like trying to take a bone from a hungry dog. I told my best friend about it and she told me about a particular hacker. Your email address will not be published. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam.
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It was the case in our own relationship that when we were struggling my husband got his happiness from work and not from home. Now that we aren't struggling, he gets happiness from both places. Sep 04, · ok so my husband has always been a little short with words but it has progressivly gotten worse it seems. ok so he he comes home from work and just says hi he then either sits on the computer or on the tv and just ignors me even when I ask him a question he acts as if I didnt even say anything sometimes I ask him over and over and he just doesnt even respond. when we are in a car its Status: Resolved. “Fuck me my husband is not at home ” Video has been flagged by the community and is currently disabled pending review. Please enjoy one of our many other videos.